| The parts of me you never see |
[Nov. 20th, 2009|11:14 pm] |
Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m afraid, a lot of the time, that I’m too much of a burden to anyone. I feel like I’m not capable of doing things myself. Not good enough to do much of anything, but stay out of everyone’s way. I don’t admit to myself how inferior I feel to everyone else around me, even less so do I admit it to anyone else. Too often I see others eyes pass over me, disregarding my very existance. It hurts to think that nobody has the desire to look at me. Lately, I feel like I’m drowning. Maybe that’s why I find it hard to breathe. It stops when I can manage to distract myself for short periods of time, but when my mind is idle it comes back, slowly suffocating me, until its all I think about. The only relief I feel is when I’m sleeping, or when I’m talking to you.
I don’t always have the words to say what I need to say. I fumble with them as they try to escape the confines of my mouth, but in this way--putting them down to be read--I feel the easiness of communication. I told you once that being with you is different from everything else I’ve known, and make no mistake about it--I’ve never once felt the full power of emotions they way I do with you. Its overwhelming sometimes, what I feel for you. I keep trying to tell myself that this is only the beginning. That something, somewhere, can change and the way we feel right now will change. I worry sometimes that I’ll never get to see you again. To talk to you. To touch you. To hear you. To feel you. And it terrifies me. I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore, I feel like I’m dying and I can’t stop it. |
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| The Difference Between Loneliness and Belonging |
[Oct. 29th, 2009|02:16 pm] |
It’s easy to hide when you’re alone. There’s no one looking for you or waiting for you to appear. Everywhere you go seems like a sanctuary and you can build your walls up to keep yourself safe. Then the unexpected arrives by happenstance, and a moment passes where you’re delivered from your loneliness and the sanctuary you have built begins to crumble around you piece by piece.
All those things you protected yourself from seem to rush in on you at once, and all those fears you’ve harbored come to light. It’s not unthinkable to find yourself paralyzed by the enormity of what you’ve subjected yourself too.
In moments like these, I find myself breathless and weak. I often chastise myself for not being stronger, or--at the very least--more able to receive, but the fear lingers and I find it hard to move past it. I watch him sometimes, when he is unaware. I don’t feel deserving of what he has to offer, and I often question his sanity in picking me over everyone else he can have. |
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| A place to stand on |
[Sep. 18th, 2009|11:19 pm] |
Tears came so easily, crumpling under the weight of my own body. I slid down the cold wall, my knees folding beneath me. Too hard. It was too hard fighting for something that would never come my way. There’s no such thing as happiness in this world, everyone is fighting too hard to stay afloat to look for a solid place to stand on. Myself included.
My hands, cold and almost numb from the rain outside, pressed against my cheeks--now wet with tears and warm from humiliation. Matt--a stand up guy in so many ways--left me standing just outside my apartment door with a crushing blow to my withering self esteem. I guess I should be grateful that he had the decency to wait until we were alone to drop the Ex-bomb on me. But I couldn’t find much of anything resembling gratitude at the moment.
The only thing I felt was the crushing emptiness of another night alone in an unforgiving world. I clenched my teeth hard against the bubble of sadness and anger welling within my chest, fighting for a sliver of control. He’s not worth it, I kept telling myself. No guy was. |
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| Challengers Delight |
[Sep. 17th, 2009|10:14 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | original fiction | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jessica Riddle - even angels fall | ] |
What is this? A feeling blossoming within my chest, warm and fuzzy. A need so deep I can hardly find the time to breathe, let alone speak. Loneliness, yearning. What sort of words are these? Sadness, sorrow. Simple emotions, easily identified, but when one speaks of love--a simple word in of itself--you can only think of the complications of such an emotion.
Attachment and desire--love. Painful bliss--love. Agony and confusion--love. Passion and oblivion--love.
I used to think that love was so easily given into, but now I resist the very notion. As it is now, I can see only pain resulting in such foolishness. I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed over and over. I won’t give in so easily.
Warning to any and all who should seek my favor: You have a fight on your hands. |
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mialuv998's journal
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